What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 04:21
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
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She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I waited trembling.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I think the readers, may guess!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When she asked me how she looked .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I write beautiful poetry .
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was scared of men, in general
I never cut or harmed myself..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!